Today is February 8th. I almost feel like I have a hangover resulting from Mom's care, her passing, planning for the service, the service, and all the other 'stuff' that comes up after a loved one dies.
Here's the thing, she wasn't some random loved one, she was my MOM. I miss her. A lot. It isn't just her presence in my day-to-day, it's the "I have to text Mom about this ____________ that happened with Harlow today OR "My Mom will know EXACTLY the right response to this situation". Of course, I didn't always heed her advice, sometimes she was a bit off the mark but 78% of the time she was incredibly helpful. It always amazed me that when we’d discuss a civic group I’m joining or some job I think I want, she ALWAYS knows someone, a cousin's reiki therapist, someone she taught with, whatevs. And, not to disrespect but, some of these contacts she pushed on me, my brother too, were old boyfriends (insert mom joke here). You see, my mom’s a popular lady (………mom joke…….) She has friends from high school, past coworkers, neighbors from Jersey to Florida and in-between, those that she taught, folks she taught alongside…….. you get the gist. I am not sure how she found the energy to 'keep up' with ALL of these people. I get stressed out just trying to be sure so-and-so's birthday card doesn't get mailed too late. Laurie, aka Mom, was a wonderfully complicated woman. She loved her ice-cold Chardonnay and her 'favorite husband' but she didn't share much with me or Scott. Maybe I was doing all the talking (likely) however, there are so many things I wish I asked of her, about her story (herstory). Many of you have been receiving texts or calls from me and Scott asking things that you may no longer remember, whether it be her work history, old boyfriends, etcetera. Oddly enough, in cleaning out her apartment I ran across Your Mother's Story and thought I had hit paydirt!! "Yes" I thought to myself "now I can get some answers!!" The damn thing was empty. LoLo hadn't written on a GD single page!!
Funnier still, before she left us, she mentioned she wanted to burn her journals, like in a fire pit. We never got around to it while she was with us unfortunately. Scott asked that when they cremate her, "can we throw the journals in with her? like a two-for- one?". They agreed and though many (Michelle) said we should read them beforehand, I said ABSOLUTELY NOT. You see, I was thinking of my future demise and my 5 zillion journals there, leftover. Side note: please to whomever reads this, be sure that Harlow doesn't even peek at them, she will have PTSD. If we had taken a gander at said LoLo journals, we would likely be more aware of HerStory without bugging every Tom, Dick or Nancy (Griswold). I love my mom. I most definitely didn't appreciate all of her 'complicated wonderfulness' while she was here. When I was younger, I wasn’t good to my mom. I was really sh*tty. I hope that I (slightly) made up for my past transgressions caring for her in her last weeks and days. I tried like heck to make up for my past, our past together, but I know before she left, she stated that I am, indeed, her favorite. ❤️ Kristin