We Are Not Amused

Not sure if I'm the only one who feels the 'guilt cloud' but it hits me hard most days. You see, I meant to do a Mothers Day post on this site and then it turned into 'My mom would appreciate me celebrating her birthday with a post'. And here we are at the beginning of June. I still haven't filled out Mom's HerStory past the 80s and though I celebrate LoLo in little and big ways almost daily, I still feel that stupid little cloud. I know my Mom wouldn't want that guilt for me. LoLo has been gone for about 6 months and it sucks. My therapist (who is probably reading this) says it's normal for someone to feel sadness/depression months after the loss of a loved one and oh boy is that true! February through April I felt a bit lost and had trouble finding my happy thoughts. Getting better day by day but it still hits every once in a while. I was VERY close with my mom. You know that archetypal mother/daughter relationship scenario where the daughter ignores calls from mom? Yeah, LoLo and I were quite the opposite and I am very sure she ignored a call or two (or 10). When my mom was diagnosed in October 2018 I developed this coping method of shoving that sh*t in a drawer. As she got sicker, the bureau expanded to many, many drawers. And, as many of you are aware, our family has an irreverent sense of humor and we often joke our way through things when it gets tough. So here I am, armed with an ever-expanding chest of drawers and an inappropriate humor response. Also, guilt. Oodles and oodles of guilt.

Mom dying was the easy part. I was at work that day, Monday, December 12th, and it was my first day back in the office in weeks. Just about 2pm my brother called to tell me Mom was gone. I hung up the phone, turned to a coworker and said "gotta go, my Mom died". They were aghast "do you need a ride?" and "should I call your husband?". I knew, just as Scott did, that my mom was finally at peace (or something like it) and I told them "all set". It was time for stage 2 or 3 or whatever. Now it's time for the planning of the 'after'. The calling of the people, planning of services, Scott sliding into his role as Executor and all of us pulling together to honor LoLo however we could. We were ill-equipped and moved with rapid inefficiency. The only shining star among us was my brother's girlfriend, Michelle. Michelle had only known LoLo for about 6 years and was DEFINITELY her favorite. Somehow, Michelle wrote that beautiful obituary in like 3 days and she did a kick-ass job. Scott and I had never planned a service and though we tried, we fell short on some key points. The service, held in January 2023, was meant to be a dual service for Laurie AND Ron, complete with those 'In Memoriam' cards with photos of each and a quote on opposite sides. Well, we kind of forgot. This detail got lost in the shuffle of grief, Christmas, Boxing Day and more grief. And, though we nailed down what photo and quote we would use for Ron, I'm not sure ANY of us could think of a quote for LoLo. The only thing I came up with was "Never leave the house without your lipstick" which she said often but I thought it would make her sound vain. My ex-husband and very good friend, John, came up with the very best quote. My mom said this often, usually to her children when we were teasing her or some such: We Are Not Amused. Laurie usually said this with a bit of a smirk as if she was, in fact, amused. You see, my mom not only had a wicked sense of humor, she was often just as inappropriate as her children but would deny this, especially to people she didn't know well. About 15 years ago, I was babysitting for my nephews, James and Nick, and I made them lunch. James says "Aunt Chicken, you're a good cooker" and my mom whispers to me "he says you're a good hooker". She has continually denied this but goodness gracious, my mom was just as inappropriate as the rest of us but kept it tucked away for very few people.

Not sure where I was going with all of this but to say to those reading: My mom was a hilarious, witty, smart and beautiful person. She was everyone's best friend, she remembered all the birthdays and special events, she was a kick-ass grandma and a wonderful person overall. I love her and miss her. Every. Day. Thanks for reading this and if you can help out with LoLo happenings in the 80s, hit me up. Peace.